#Warning, contains idiocy, nonsensical-ness, and me. Also bees.
Settle down everyone, settle down. You’re about to hear the truth of Shear, so take your seats and grab some popcorn. This is going to be a bumpy ride.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, something probably happened. Unfortunately that galaxy really doesn’t matter, but this one that we’re in does so listen up.
Here in Galaxy Hydrawolf- Yes that’s the real name… No, put your hand down there aren’t any questions. Just shut up and listen! Ugh… anyway here in Galaxy Hydrawolf, as you all know, there are six planets. Shear… and planets 1-5. Of those planets, only three is habitable currently and that’s where I was born – Planet Three.
Hmm? Oh yeah, it probably makes more sense to be planet 1 or to name them, but who wants sense? Pfft. So here on Planet Three our overlord Sporkypine tasked those evil little gremlins underground to do one thing – build a better gremlin. That was about four years ago, and it took every ounce of those little gremlin’s strength and every second of their days just to learn English!
In the end the gremlins all died from starvation and mind-overloaded-ness. It was pretty tragic… but also very important to the story. Sort of. Okay it doesn’t matter to the story, but some of those gremlins were my family!.. friends… okay they were nothing to me.
So after the gremlins failed, Sporkypine then gave the task to our lovable science division here known as Elder Vela Orion’s Last Victorious Education, aka EVOLVE. Nifty, eh? Kind of like it fits into a perfect little box. Well it doesn’t, so get that box outta here!
Evolve’s science team, headed of course by me, the all great, all powerful Hydrawolf, is awesome. We’re the cutting edge for everything from knives, to cutting utensils, all the way to small swords used on meats and cheeses.
Hmm? No that’s not all. We’re also quite the manufacturer of weapons of pure, tiny, sharpy power. Anyway, stop derailing me with these interruptions! You’re worse than those people that interrupt other people in the middle of important, amazing stories.
So there I was, my two interns and I had been given the task of creating a bigger, better gremlin, and I knew exactly where to start. I took the corpses of a bunch of people and mixed and melded and fashioned them into the perfect beast. It’s shiny silver handle… sharp, deadly edge. I was still pretty stuck on knives. I mean really, that’s about all we ever did, how was I supposed to suddenly create something that didn’t have killing power?
I failed our leader, and I was ashamed. Into seclusion I went for seconds, entire minutes even, before my true genius struck!
“The gremlins!!” I shouted into the ear of my subordinate causing him to drop his knife onto his foot.
I rushed straight to the gremlin’s underground home and brought some of the lifeless husks to my room.
Study, study, study I did. I studied the bodies, looking for clues. What to do, what to do?! Then it hit me! The door, right in my face. It was really hurty and left my nose bleeding onto one of those little gremlins’ bodies. It was then that I saw a change; my blood made the gremlins muscles grow! Just to be doubly sure, I even stabbed my intern in the foot and confirmed that his blood did nothing!
I rushed straight to our leader, Spork…dude… whatever I called that guy. I’m too lazy to remember.
Hmm? No, he’s real. I said stop interrupting!! So I rushed to that one guy with the face and shouted in his ear too!
“GREMLIN GROW!” I said, and he understood immediately, without question and without fail. With all the fervor of a lemon on steroids in an elevator, he strapped a couple of old fashioned rocket boots with a spare set of triple A batteries onto my feet and sent me to Shear in hopes of continuing this development with other wildlife.
At first, I was afraid. I was petrified. There were tyrants in the water and no water slide. It was…
Luckily, the tyrant did not see me as I hid in a cave behind a waterfall. I took the gremlin corpse that still lay in my hand and dropped more nose-blood onto it until finally it became that fat Goliath you guys all know. It was pretty hot in that cave and well… I’d had spicy food, so it got some weird flame powers, but that’s my baby – my first born.
A few days later, I was dehydrated and low on food. Goliath abandoned me already, feasting on some tyrant for himself and leaving me nothing but a hunk of electricity to chew on.
What? Yes it’s edible, stop doubting me! As though you’ve never held electricity in your hands… pffttttt.
So I ate the electricity and walked out of the cave, getting some water from the waterfall. Unfortunately, I hit my head on a rock and bled all over the tyrant’s corpse, and as such Kraken formed, and immediately tried to eat me. As I ran away, I tripped on a leaf and died, becoming my final and greatest creation – Wraith.
Yeah, I’m telling the truth. Damnit, you’re not even real, you… ugh, just forget it. I’m never using my decoy again. Always second guessing me… asking questions… murdering everything in sight… Useless.
Oh, and bees. I almost forgot the bees. Bees.