Poem describing the cruelty of Evolve


Everything in this game,
Makes us all feel shame…

The Assaults cannot survive,
it’s like they were never alive…

The Medics cannot heal,
when they die it seals the deal…

The Trappers cannot track,
but that’s not all they lack…

The support cannot shield,
I swear they all just yield…

Right before combat,
they suddenly stop to chat…

The Goliath throws us around,
then proceeds to pound…

The Kraken knocks us back,
and still continues to attack…

The Wraith is subject to hate,
she runs, it’s just her trait…

The Behemoths not even out,
yet to everyone he seems too stout…

Plants piss hunters off,
but to monsters, they just scoff…

The mammoth birds a troll,
but that was TRS’s goal…

Carrion birds are annoying,
But that’s what hunters are enjoying…

Megamouths screw us over,
looking like a boulder…

Blitz Leopards just need stabbed,
before we’re all grabbed…

Spotters, we all hate them,
all, we shall condemn.

Tyrant’s don’t want disturbed,
yet from hunters, always perturbed…

The Dune Beetle likes to hunt,
and players they do confront…

Canyon Eels are jerks,
it’s just a monster perk…

Reavers are free food,
who have an attitude…

Venom Hounds are obnoxious,
and are honestly, very noxious…

Sloths are pretty lazy,
but don’t really like Daisy…

Nomads aren’t mad,
they’re actually pretty bad…

Armadons are territorial,
but are eaten by the raptorial…

Batrays are always a pain,
unless by hunters they are slain…

Marsh Striders look pretty tasty,
but run from monsters, for they are hasty…

Trapjaws live in packs,
and don’t really make good snacks…

Glaciapods bring in birds,
for them there are no words…

Steamadons are blinding,
as we all just keep on finding…

Cephalodon’s are ugly,
and aren’t that very cuddly…

Obsidian Beetles aren’t that slack,
they all burrow into cracks…

Harpies steal the meat,
for it’s all they can eat…

What I mean to say,
as we all continue to play…

Is that in the world of Shear,
everything’s unclear…

I got bored of my pugs, continuing to make me lose. So I decided to write a poem, describing how I felt about every single creature in Evolve… I doubt I am the only one to notice, every single creature in this game, makes someone angry.


First annual Shear Sexiest Monster Off!

:clap: :clap: BEAUTIFUL, 10/10 :clap: :clap:



I described every monster, hunter, and wildlife in the game, including that damn plant. Or, every one that I have discovered.

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I heard Armadons like to play rough
and Obsidian beetles burrow in to cracks.



This is the truest part of the poem. For all we know Behemoth will be the bringer of “Behemoth underpowered” threads for months on end post-release.

This does not nearly capture my burning hatred for Dune Beetles!

I have to take my hat off for TRS though, they have made me develop many of these attitudes in a rich, fantastic fiction.

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I think Nomads are Shear’s biggest pile of shiz award winners.

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you forgot spotters, i hate them so



I still think it’s Mammoth Birds, so many strikes have I gotten from those blokes charging me around a corner :persevere:



I prefer to call Nomads Giraffes given their elongated physique.



Dune beetles are not that bad realy, they get owned by reavers way too freguently.
They are mostly good for laughs.



Nomads don’t chase you across the entire darn map and incapacitate you right outside the dome where your trapper just caught the monster. True story, that gorram Beetle I swear a genocide is coming!



Thank you, if you notice another missed, inform me. I tried to get every single monster, it’s hard to remember them all off the top of your head. That one was for you by the way.

I’m glad everyone shares my pain of Shear.



That’s why they are the troll.



Bonus points for using Gorram correctly :slight_smile: However, I feel that Dune Beetles and Megamouths aren’t in a lot of places where we dome the Monster. We seem to dome them near Nomads quite a lot as they are usually near crossways and choke points.



Until the dune beetle chases you across the map, into the dome, then by some odd occurence your medic is suddenly incapped ;-;



Megamouths and Dune Beetles run from Stage 3 monsters. Sometimes I like to herd beetles towards the Relay for an extra minion and food :slight_smile:

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Aren’t you kind?



I feel that I’m helping showcase the nature of Shear. It’s like bringing a gift to the Hunters :slight_smile:



The point of my poem, was to state that literally every creature, animal, and hunter (even plant…), continue to be annoying in 1 way, or another.

Welcome to Shear kids.

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subtle pounding reference buddy