PARCL (My latest project)


#1

I don’t have much to say other than this is a new project. I was originally going to wait for various reasons however I can no longer wait. If I’m being honest I’m an impatient person, when I make something I want others to see. I guess you can call me some attention needy person or whatever but while the attention is nice I just want to do this so other people can read and maybe even get inspired. It’s the whole reason I started writing. I want others to be inspired by me. I guess it can sound selfish because technically I am at the middle but I don’t mean it that way. Anyways I hope you enjoy this prologue at the end will be a poll I’d really appreciate it if you guys could vote on it. That’s all have a good day/night

Prologue:

In the beginning there was the Earth. Earth eventually nurtured life. With life eventually came humans. Humans are, for lack of a better term, fascinating. With humans came many wonders, or so I was told. Things called cities, towns, technology, all were made by humans. They crafted what later generations considered archaeological wonders, pyramids, temples, towers that scrapped the very surface of the sky itself. They built artificial light, artificial foods, and more. They build new ways of transportation, first came horses, then they build wagons that horses carried, then after more work came cars, buses, eventually trains came as well and they scattered tracks of metal and wood all over the planet. They even made flying transportation that flew past the clouds into the unknown. Soon Humans built a vehicle that could not only go past the sky, but far beyond it into the abyss known as space.

They built weapons… Not all humans had good intentions… War broke out on Earth multiple times, Humans wore down the planet with each war unknowingly killing it slowly. While peace was never achieved humans were able to get others to destroy the weapons that killed the planet. Humans looked to the sky above and past it. What truly lied beyond what they could reach? They eventually were able to reach out to other planets beyond theirs, however none carried life. Humans were fearful knowing the two options which were that there was life somewhere else, or there wasn’t. It was a terrifying thought at first. Humans soon found their next greatest fear. With research came knowledge, with knowledge came fear. Humans found out they didn’t have infinite time. The sun, an astral body that was a key ingredient for life, would parish and all life with it would die. Fear struck those who wanted their offspring to have good lives.

They worked against the clock trying to find a source of artificial energy that would last for eternity so that they could have light for however long humans would live. No matter what they did nothing worked. They lost hope and gave up. One person didn’t however. They continued to work to find the source, they refused to give up. Eventually they found out that if they were to encase a black hole into a mirror plated container they could shoot light into it and the light using the black hole’s pull could boost itself out creating in theory an infinite loop of energy that would be dispersed. They set out to do this very thing, millions of humans from the new generation all crammed inside a ship. They were able to successful contain the black hole and insert light into it. It was a success and now they only had to figure out how to link the energy to earth. Unfortunately while on their journey the sun gave was and died out killing everything that needed light to live. They were too late to save millions.

Distraught by this new knowledge they refused to work for a long time. They eventually got over it and built a large colony around the black hole using other ships to travel to other planets to gather needed materials. That brings you here. Malstrom Alpha, our third man-made home. A collection of smaller space stations all connected around multiple small black holes. The first colony of space stations and cultures. It was a revolution. After humans split up to colonize other places around black holes no one thought that if multiple, met the humans who inhabited them would form together and form an even bigger colony.

It opened its eyes to see a woman typing on the computer. “Data transfer successful, that’s enough history for today don’t you think?” she said “Up and at’em PARCL today’s schedule calls for maintenance on the station and I don’t want to get a time deduction for you wanting to explore the station again.” It stood up from the machine and dropped its shoulders into a relaxed position so it didn’t look upset. Scanning surroundings… Jessie identified. Access to commands granted. Error, original objective of assisting Jessie has been overwritten… New objective: Ask Jessie about Earth. Calculating all possible answers so that original objective can be focused on. Error, process of calculating answers was canceled… “Do you think” PARCL started “I will ever see Earth?” Jessie gave a confused look. PARCL never seemed interested in Earth before.

“I can run a simula-” Jessie was interrupted by PARCL “I mean the real planet.” Jessie frowned and crossed her arms. “I don’t think any of us will ever see the real Earth again PARCL, sorry” she responded. Scanning for lies… Heartbeat is normal, tone is normal, no signs of excreted sweat detected, face has not shown any motion of hiding something. Lie detection program has concluded Resident 933, Jessie Holidale, is not lying. “Understood” PARCL said “Ready for objective, please repeat.” “Were you just scanning me for lying?” Jessie inquired leaning closer to PARCL. Anger detected, threatening pose detected, activating defensive actio- overwritten… Scanning memory to tell tru- overwritten… “No, I apologize for the confusion, I was simply processing the answer, my AI is being slow today perhaps it needs a tune up” PARCL lied.

“I’ll fix it later, we need to get going, c’mon” Jessie ushered walking out the door and making a hand gesture for PARCL to follow her. Primary Objective: Assist Jessie. Secondary Objective: Erase lie detection on Jessie from memory before she finds out I lied.

Did you like the prologue?

  • I like this
  • Needs some work
  • I’m not a fan

0 voters


#2

Gonna need a bit to read this, bruh. :heart:


#3

A couple pointers:

  1. Some parts felt kind of rushed to me, and you could put more detail into it. For example, The part where you talk about the astronauts going to space to capture a black hole could have been a very interesting section that you could have focused more on.

  2. Some parts felt kind of akaward and there could have been more concise phrases. I won’t go over this but be sure to look out for this in the future. Reread sections and if a sentence is unnecessarily long, start eliminating phrases (that aren’t vital for the reader’s understanding, of course) or replacing overly complicated phrases with higher level words (a thesaurus can help).

  3. Grammatical mistakes. Be sure to check all of your sentences for punctuation. Additionally, besides simply making sure you add punctuation, make sure you add it correctly. For example, I saw several examples of a comma splice. Here is one such example: “They set out to do this very thing, millions of humans from the new generation all crammed inside a ship“.

  4. This last piece of advice is really for final revisions, but use advanced vocabulary (of course you should know what they mean). Doing so gives your writing a sense of professionalism that makes readers think that you really put effort into your writing. Consequently, they will think the writing is worth their time.

I understand this is just a sample of what you are going to write. However, if you want to become a very good writer, please take into consideration some of the things you said. I can tell you have a very good imagination and that you can write a lot, which is very good. However, I feel like you can become an even greater writer with a bit more practice.

PS. I also recommend writing persuasive pieces too, as that really works on all 4 of the things I talked about.

Lol I know what I wrote makes me look like I don’t know what I’m talking about, but seriously, take into consideration what I said.


#4

I will write the positives of your story later, cuz I need to sleep. However, I feel giving critical feedback first is more important than getting positive feedback. Please understand I’m not trying to insult you by saying that.


#5

Aight, you did these things well:

  1. Your story is very engaging and shows you have a very deep imagination. I think this story also reflects the fact that you have many interests, such as space, robots, humans, etc. Being curious is a pretty good thing.

  2. You can write. Writing creatively, or at all, can be hard for some people. The simple fact that you can write a lot is a great sign.

Keep practicing, I think you could be a very good sci-fi/fiction writer if you practice. You seem to have fun writing, too.