At the start I want to say: I am sorry. I would guess most of you don’t know me, while some of you do. Those who don’t know me probably won’t get anything out of this topic, other than some information about next tournaments, those who do, might get some more.
I am in a pretty bad place right now, this is the message that I want to send to most people that know me and my excuse as well. Because of that place I don’t see anything that I was involved with in evolve as a good thing, I need a break, I need something else to keep me going. I will be taking my leave from evolve community and organizing tournaments.
I’ll keep the info about tournament at the start so those who do not care about wtf is going on with me can just read it and have their way with their day: Tournaments now will probably organized by Yumiich (A player from Nab Tactics team). He was the one that talked to me the other night and told me: “Wouldn’t it be fun to have a tournament? Let’s organize one!”, and so we did. He was the PR guy, while I was the ruleset, organization, doing posts on sites and keeping the tournament so it doesn’t break from the awesome response from the community (11 teams!!). So if you want info about upcoming tournaments I would get in touch with Yumiich either on ECT discord or anywhere else if you have him, I don’t know how he will introduce them to community or anything like that.
Alright so as the tournament thing is out of the way, now I am gonna talk about me and what’s happening. Yesterday and the day before I’ve been hit the hardest, just one small word from someone else and the small bricked wall that i’ve been creating as my home that I could live in has been destroyed and I need to rebuild it again. I am a very sensitive person, whatever I do I try to make it as best as possible, even if just one person is unhappy with it, I get angry at myself. I’ve played stage 2 on tournament level before, that was one of the achievements that I’ve been happy about, being able to beat top-level monsters with my team, one other achievement was my ability to get better at games just because of my character. I am a very analytical person and I use those habits of mine to get better at something, faster and more accurate than most.
With those things in mind the problem is: I’ve been denied of my achievements, that’s just how I feel. I know that’s how “the world spins”, but the timing was bad and I couldn’t deal with it. Considering both my mental health and everyone’s around me mental health I decided to give up on evolve community and tournament organizing, I felt like I am unwelcomed here. Who I am and what I do wasn’t needed in this “group”, that may or may not be community’s fault. I don’t think you guys are to blame tho, I never felt like anyone in the community wanted me to leave and never come back again, at least from those people who knew me but It’s just how my twisted mind looks at stuff that it makes all of this unbearable and I feel like drowning while everyone just looks and want more and more from me. I’ve tried doing the tournament to feel a little bit better, give to community and make everyone happy and so was I, I was happy for around 2-3 days but after the hype died out I’ve seen all the mistakes in organization and everything else that wasn’t good with the tournament and I’ve felt bumped out.
I really can’t stress enough how bad I feel right now (even tho it’s better than last 2 days) but that’s just something that I have to deal with myself and that’s also why I will be leaving the community behind me for now. I need to go forward and try to do something else or I will feel like I am stuck in place and I don’t want that. Why am I writing this to all of you that may not know me, well I felt like telling the community that I tried to keep alive, that a person that did one tournament is gonna go away now. Selfish as fuck I know, I shouldn’t feel pride in doing just one tournament, I didn’t do enough I know. I just don’t have the strength to keep going right now and for that I am most apologetic for.
Well this will be my final Sorry to the community and especially to the people that actually wanted to talk to me, wanted to stay by my side and especially to people that listened to my rambling’s 24/7, because that is how I am, I ramble a lot and I feel the need to tell everyone around me about my thoughts, also sorry about that :p. But yeah this is the Sorry that you guys deserve, that’s how I feel. Thank you to all the people that I talked to and been close to, without you guys most of the things I did in this community wouldn’t have taken place. Thank you very much to all of the community.
I will be taking my leave now, Bye everyone.
The guy that thinks too much.