Might as well do this support group, might help me reconsider my life choices…
Hi guys, yalls can see my name. I’m that guys that lurks around without an avatar, only thing to my name is once I swallowed a bullet. Anywho, here I was, lamenting the lack of good games in the world, when I sees this trailer.
Is game called Evolve, nice music on the trailer, mercenary guys hoppin out of a magiacal space ship. You know, standard alien hunting stuffs. At this point I realize the trailer is not for Bill Nye’s televised rant-athon, so I get interested. Not much happens, till a giant fiery ape-lizard shows up and starts torching up the place.
Love all kinds of beasties, especially playin as 'em. Whale, erry body I know personally thinks the game looks dumber than a sack of bandicoots, but I is determined to prove the blighters wrong. Mi preorders the game on Amazone and gets code, sends it in, gets ready for acceptance into the glory of the alpha.
The next morning, mi checks my email, but there isn’t any sign I gots nothing. So Ivan walks in and mocks me, insisting the ancient gods have forsaken my ways and demand a sacrifice. So I says to Ivan, my says to him he needs to cool his mind off. Has had to much vodka, but he incists the gods require homage. So we goes to the Target across the street, and Ivan says we need the blood sacrifice.
So my goes into the Target and my gets destracted by the shiny things in the drink aisle, you know what I’m sayins? Not the dranks demselves, those weird things they hang on the side flanges that no one ever buys. Well, im thinks to meselfs, selfs, why don’t I actually buys one of dose knick nacks for Ivan, he’d find that to be really funny and all that.
Well, as I’m about to do that, my sees Guido. And i’m all like ‘Oh sheet’ Is mudda frukin Guido. Aint no one messes with that Guido over der. He must be goin for a drank, aint no what dat Guido drank. Probably the tears of the fallen. So my says to Ivan, hey Ivan, we best be goin, But Ivans all like, Nyet, we be needin the sacrifices.
So my goes to the other aisle, and my finds that heathen Mathias examing the spoons, you know how that idiot is with his bloody spoones. So I says to him, I’m gwyne to get you for dat, but dis slicks all like: Oh nah, mynt never, and he books it.
Well, this fellar watching the whole ordeal sees this and presumably goes to get Guido, I aint having none of that, so I grabs him by his throat, and lifts him in the air, and my says the ancient ruinic chant to bring forth the most ancient being of karmic desolation, as to devour me sacrifices.And lo, the sky filled with the byootful golden dusts and dis fellar gets imself eviscerated into beautiful confettis.
So I go home, and I still have no acceptance letter and steam code.
What the actual Hell Turtle Rockl!!?!?