Tired of getting pounced constantly? Do you hate getting mauled helplessly when you’re alone? Especially when you’re the last hunter left? Well then rage no longer, for I have the solution for YOU!
Meet my carefully developed Anti-Sneak Attack training program! Upon joining this program by paying 94 dollars, you will need a few things to participate. The most important is a copy of Primal Carnage.
What is Primal Carnage? Well it is a Human Vs. Dinosaur multiplayer game on steam. Once you’ve bought the game, join a full 36 server on the map called Utility Base. Utility Base is the perfect training environment, due to being similar to the maps of Evolve.
Your goal, will be to get from the far left side of the map, to the far right. Seems easy enough, right? Well, it would be easy, were it not for your opponents. In order to simulate the Monster’s giant health pool that prevents you from killing it on your own in a single engagement, you will not be allowed to attack these creatures as they come to kill you. You also do not have a jetpack, cloak, tranq gun, or even infinite stamina to accomplish this task.
First up, and likely the most common will be Novaraptors. These buggers are small compared to the monster, quick, agile, and worst of all have what is basically the Monster’s sneak attack on steroids.
You second opponent will be the Dilophosaurus, a sly creature, smaller then the raptor, but just as deadly. It has the ability to blind you, leaving you completely defenseless.
The third creature you’ll face will be the Pteranodon. If you thought Kraken’s sneak attack hitboxes were bad, imagine if his sneak attack instead picked you up and allowed the Kraken to instantly kill you by dropping you into a hazard or from a high height. Because that’s exactly what the Pteranodon does.
The third beast you’ll face is the Carnotaurus. A brute of an animal, able to go into a charge so fast it’ll hit you before you even see it coming. Just so you know, it only takes 2 charges to kill. It’s ass is also able to produce smooth jazz to hypnotize you before it kills you.
And finally, we have the Tyrant. THREE of these things can be present on the map, and likely will. They’ll patrol the map, killing anyone in their reach. They also don’t deal with any sneak attack shenanigans and kill you outright with a one hit kill attack.
If you manage to successfully cross this hell-hole of a map without getting pounced/grabbed/spat on/head-butted/chomped, you will have to be so experienced in evasion, and have such extraordinarily sharpened senses that there will be no way in the history of this planet that a giant, obnoxiously loud monster will be able to pounce you with a laggy, slow, unreliable attack if this rooster of creatures with quick, deadly, and powerful attacks can’t when you don’t even have a jetpack, cloak, or even infinite stamina.