Finally Loving Myself

So… I’ve gone quiet for a few reasons. The first being that this forum is in a deadspot of things to talk about, which will be interesting when things ramp up again (YAY #B4B), and the second is that I have faced extreme hardships in my life and it’s kinda all catching up to me now. Now I get that everyone does, and while I’m not special, the difference is that I treat these forums like a therapist entwined in a family dynamic, and recently I have came out to both of mine.

:exclamation: So yeauuuugh… this is another one of those sentimental Xplo threads, be warned.

Since… forever, I have constantly struggled with my identity. In elementary school my dad picked out what clothes I should wear and that my hair would always be in a buzzcut like his. In middle school, I wanted my hair grown out longer, and so I grew and cut it like a bowl like a NEWB. However I always stuck to sweaters/jackets and sweats then because I knew nothing about clothes, and was extremely anti-social. Then I saw a kid with autism/Aspergers (not to single them out, I went to a private school focused on technology and introverts) and I saw myself in the future, around 20-30 years old, where my mom was still ordering my food for me, and I would still only wear sweats and hoodies. I wanted to change and become independent from her and my dad. I then transferred to a normal high school at the start of 9th grade where I met up with my best friend from first grade, and we re-connected. I then focused on changing and refining my social skills and internal self.

Highschool is where I went through the most phase changes. First I tried button-up shirts and khakis, which made me look like a complete nerd (nothing wrong with that, but I was still not comfortable in my appearance nor those clothes on me). I then went and tried a more casual polo+khakis, which ended the same. After that I tried Cargo Shorts and graphic shirts, which I was OK with. I then stuck with that for the next 3 years, well into my first year of college.

Back to highschool, I focused on refining my inner self, which I imagine came from my refinement of myself on these forums and in Evolve. This is why I am indescribably passionate about the game and this community, because it saved me from a… suicidal period in my life which I will never stop thinking about because the release of Emet changes my mindset. While I thoroughly enjoyed this game to a point where words cannot describe, Emet’s release changed my life too. I adored him in every aspect, and he was the reason why I wanted to become a Biomedical Engineer, to help people. I pretty much bonded with him in every way. I had a hidden sense of humor, which was dark, and so did Emet. My family and this community/game was the 1 reason why I could always stop myself from “game-ending” myself, and Emet cared so very much about his fellow hunters in that same way.

Now while I found out that I wanted to help other people, I never saw what I would look like, I could only see what I would be doing. When my bubble of biomedical engineering popped due to complications in college, I became devastated because I now had no future. I became fed up with just about every aspect of being who I was. I could not enjoy shopping for anything, be it clothes, glasses, everything. I couldn’t stand pretending like I could keep living with no emotions. I felt like nothing fit me, and everything I hated about myself bottled up in me for the past 20 years. I have always despised my face, voice, and even body so much that I equate it to wanting to burn it off with acid. It was rough.

About February, I came out to my parents after they found “womens” clothes in my room. Now I have always suffered from anxiety, but this was probably thee #1 time in my life that I was the most calm and NOT anxious… at all. Thus it felt right, or at least it didn’t feel wrong to come out then. I also say “womens” clothing like that because it doesn’t feel like I’m cross-dressing. It just feels like me.

I am now onto the road of, well I mean I made it kinda obvious at this point, transitioning. I have never loved myself in my entire past 20 years more than I do now. I am still in the process, and won’t be finished for another few years, but I have never been more sure of this decision in my life.

The reason why this thread exists is because I’m currently having mental breakdowns because I felt like I had to live the life of me being Hannah Montana, due to me having to live both a facade of being a guy, and adapting to being a girl behind the scenes.

Now about glitter… Uh, I dunno if it was an early sign but I LITERALLY have no regrets.

Don’t @ me doe, I’m a glitter hoe, lmao.

Anyways, For now this is that, and I’ll most likely keep this thread as a post-it where I can keep sharing my progress, and hopefully inspire others and make people happy with who they are. It’s still a long road for me, but not once have I had a doubt thus far about ir.

I’ve come to be a lax person at least in terms of Socializing (Behemoth can still go roll into a pit of lava), and so the only sort of tip-toeing anyone needs to do is with the ToS. I’m pretty much broken to the point where I don’t hold anything back, and so I’m basically an open book. Nothing can upset me, which is taking into account that I’m not living in a world of ignorance. I’ve faced my demons of the past, and what demons I might have in the future. I still feel all emotions, but just about every time I do feel negative, it comes down to external factors, and never myself.

NOW A DISCLAMER: This is not actually me yet. I just ran a selfie that I hate taking, to turn me into a potential woman.

*I have not had the surgeries I want yet (facial reconstruction and top surgery) so I’m not actually this fabulous in real life. As for what I want, IDK if it fits into ToS, but I’ll remove this bit if it does cross ToS. I want facial reconstruction and breast augmentation (My ideal goal that I feel comfortable with is DDs. I don’t want to get “bottom” surgery because despite all my troubles with being male, “down there” hasn’t been one of the problems. That and it’s too risky for my liking.

This and a few other pics are what keep me moving on right now. Unfortunately I dropped out of college because of the enormous stress and emotional turbulence I’ve faced before coming out and transitioning. I do want to push myself to go back and get a degree now that I found my true self, but I’m currently facing thee biggest problem of not knowing how to raise my GPA from literal ZERO, over 2 years of failing classes and dropping out.

Also, Bless @MissMurder for both allowing me to post this as for aweing me to get the Sugar Bunch dress that she modeled for a few months back. IDK when I’ll get around to posting a pic of myself in it, but stay tuned.

OH, and also I’m changing my name from BRANDON, because my god I hate that name, to Brigitte. For those who know Brigitte from Overwatch, no that was not the inspiration for my name. I am actually of Polish descent, as well as the last of my bloodline. I am the last “biological male” in my family, and I do not plan on having kids. SO I’m honoring my roots by picking a Polish name. Technically it’s spelt Brygida, but I like the former over the latter.

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Feeling suicidal sucks, make sure to look after your mental health

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Big hugs for Brigitte! <3 I’ve never met you and have barely, if ever, interacted with you here, but I am proud of you! ^.^ lol

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This is super brave of you to put out into the world, even in this space that you’re a big part of, hopefully this gives you the mental space you need to deal with some of the other things you’re finding are issues.

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I’m both proud and happy for you Brigitte! I have a niece who has gone through similar trials, but she is happier now for it. :sparkling_heart::sparkling_heart::mount_fuji:

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Dude, I’ve never liked myself more. Im finally happy. There are 3 aspects to why.

  1. Looking like a woman feels more free(clothing, makeup, hairstyles. HECK, I even have gages now when I never would have otherwise.

  2. Acting like a woman. I’ve always had a conservative-type family then enforced gender roles, and while I never agreed to them I always felt punished for acting like a guy. Even doing more feminine things like washing my hair goes a big way to help me feel happy.

  3. Mindset. Now that I’ve released so much tension in my life I can finally do things I want, like getting the piercings and tats I want.

It’s like I’m finally free.

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Hey, whatever floats your boat, congrats on wanting to pull yourself out of your hole.

Best of luck with School, I would talk to some academic people in your shoes (heels?)… shoes. Bio-Med’s gonna be tough and its no joke, especially if you consider what particular aspect of it you want to study. Just make sure you’re prepped for it.

I’m going into Computer Science (Computer Programming), and I knew what I was getting into. All I can say is keep your head down and do your best to study it to the best of your ability. Research it too, the extra knowledge and tidbits that you pick up will help immensely.

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Yeah and I fully understand. I’m no longer striving for it simply because of how much my college path went astray. I’d have to take BS courses to boost my GPA, and THEN start taking classes required for that field. AT that point I would be in college for 8 years. Not impossible, but highly unlikely.

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Thank fuck for that. Can’t stand that bitch.

Bitterness for a fictional character aside:

Really happy for you. I’m glad you’ve finally found your way to feel free and become comfortable in your own skin. I’m sure this has been an emotionally taxing journey, and I hope it continues to improve.

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We ran into each other on Siege earlier this year! It was such a funny coincidence. I’m sad to hear you were going through such hard times, but I am glad things are looking up for you now. :purple_heart:

Feeling comfortable in both your clothes and body is such an amazing moment when you realize you’re finally there. The confidence that comes from it is glowing.

I wish you the best moving forward with what you want to accomplish with this journey. Thank you for sharing that all of this with us, too! It’s nice that you consider this a place you’re comfortable with doing that. :slight_smile:

Happy for you, Brigitte. :hugs:

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Hi Sister!

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This is what first came to mind.

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It is the individual that matters and coming out to a trusted community can be one of the hardest things. @XplosionIncorporated my inbox is always open if you need to talk or have any questions.

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For the most part I have it all planned out. I mean, if you wanna rob a bank then I’m game because I’m broke af and money is my limiting factor. For the most part, I couldn’t be happier.

Currently working on losing a few pounds since I overate after dealing with anorexia, but I’m almost there.

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